Let's face it; “perinatal mental health” can sound daunting, and even as a psychologist, I sometimes feel uneasy with the term “mental health” due to its lingering stigma. Since stepping into the perinatal mental health space this past May, I have encountered a unique reality as a mother and bonus mom, navigating the demanding world of parenting. Many of us crave connection.  I was just having this conversation with my dear friend and boss at The Birth Squad around why we have such difficulty getting folks to come to our support groups.  But we’ve just started doing community meetups, and we can easily get more than 30 RSVP’s.  That’s saying something!  It’s way more threatening to attend a support group, but not so much a meetup.  During these meetups, heavy topics emerge, often accompanied by tears, revealing the difficulties of motherhood.  And we are all desperately searching for a space to share these challenges with other moms and birthing individuals (not all of us want to be called “mom”).  

My friend and boss is also a psychologist, and she is very open about her experience with post-partum depression and anxiety.  But yesterday, as we were discussing this conundrum of how to get folks to come to our support groups, even she readily admitted that it’s taken her nearly 8 years to be so open about her struggles.  She was terrified that had she admitted to having thoughts of ending her life, her child would be taken away.  The thing that kept her grounded was the knowledge that had she left this world, she didn’t want her child’s story to be “my mother left me.”  Intense, right?  But is it?  This is not uncommon, contrary to common belief.  Many people have thoughts of wanting to end their suffering, not necessarily end their life.  But it can seem, in those moments, like ending their life is the answer.  However, when we speak up and admit to having these thoughts, the reaction from others (even those in the space of mental health) can lead us to wanting to retreat and hide, to isolate.  Despite suicide being one of the leading causes of death among new mothers, many of us suffer silently, worried about admitting our struggles or the potential repercussions for our children.  I can’t help but think that a contributor to this statistic is the fear of admitting to the struggle of being a mom, or fear that your child could be taken away.  

I, too, struggled with my own post-partum depression and anxiety.  Even as a psychologist, I was not immune, nor was I even aware that I was experiencing these emotions while in the midst of those first few months after my baby arrived.  I would say I am a mother who loved those early days, and yet I also had intense fears of being alone.  I would cry when my husband and bonus kids would leave for a soccer game.  Everything irritated me to no end.  I can remember yelling at my bonus daughter when we ordered take-out sushi and she called it “sush.”  I was so mad that she used that term and yelled at her, “it’s called sushi!”  Thankfully, we now laugh about this, but in the moment, I’m sure she was terrified of me.  But let’s break it down; there are vast hormonal changes during pregnancy, and immediately following the birth of a child.  Progesterone, that feel-good/calming hormone, drops after baby is born.  In addition to this, we are sleep-deprived.  Even the most angelic of children who sleep through the night quickly, need to be fed every 2-3 hours in those first few weeks, which means your sleep is broken - not just a night or two here and there - for a minimum of a few weeks.  Further, you now have WAY more to think about, organize, plan, etc.  Gone are the days when you can complete a task, in its entirety, without interruption.  It can take an hour just to get out the door so you’re rarely, if ever, on time anymore.  There are so many changes that occur all at the same time, and that’s called stress!  I really don’t know if it’s possible to avoid depressive/anxious symptoms.  Even with all the support in the world, the hormonal shifts and sleep deprivation alone are enough to spike mood shifts.  

I sometimes present to hospitals around town about perinatal mood disorders, and I often get the question from expectant mothers, “should I plan to have depression?”  I want to reassure folks that they are going to be ok, that they could have that blissful experience, but the more I think about it, the more I want to answer, “yes, plan for that.”  While I want to reassure expectant mothers that joy is possible, I also believe it’s vital to prepare for the tough times; acknowledging struggles is key.  But know that it’s ok and normal, and there is nothing wrong with you for struggling.  Please, speak up.  Let’s do this together and squash the fears and stigma that we’re supposed to be good at this, that we’re “bred” to be mothers and bond and connect and breastfeed.  It’s just not reality!  It’s freaking hard!  But I do think we can get there, that we can be at a point where we have just as many RSVPs for a support group as we do a meet up.  

Let’s come together to confront these challenges without shame; you are not alone. For support, feel free to reach out for a free introductory call, and explore valuable resources like The Fussy Baby Network and The Birth Squad/Post-Partum Support International. Remember, sharing our experiences can foster community and connection, something we all desperately need in this journey.  Also feel free to check out the book, Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts by Karen Kleiman, where she dives into the topic of all the thoughts we have as parents/mothers, but are afraid to admit to.  If more folks knew how many of us were having the same, scary experiences, we wouldn’t feel so isolated.  You are not alone.

Warmly, Dr. Adrianne